Honesty

No one can deny that we live in a broken world. It has both pain and joy, depression and happiness, darkness and light. 

On media we see people’s best, but it is foolish to ignore the worst. No good comes from sugar coating the dark days. Keeping the dark in hiding, under the rug, allows it to grow, fester, infect. 

Instead, we need to meet the darkness with honesty, openness, and a learning spirit. This attitude, being open about flaws and hardships, is one of the hardest and bravest things to do. 

Hurt, pain, weaknesses, insecurities, fears. It’s all part of this beautiful life. I experience glorious happiness, alongside deep anxieties. Because the anxiety, insecurity, fear isn’t always there, it somehow feels negative, pessimistic to share it, so I often don’t. I try to move past the darkness as quickly as possible.

But maybe that’s not how it should be. Maybe that’s not healthy. Shoving pain under the rug because it isn’t consistent or as bad as someone else’s or a bother others doesn’t address the real issues. Maybe we need to try honesty and transparency to truly heal, learn, grow. 

Honesty is hard, it hurts. It feels vulnerable. But maybe it’s the way to heal, to reconcile, to grow. In lieu of this, here is a journal entry of mine from a dark evening a few nights ago:


I think I hate myself. I hate my emotions. I hate my overreactions. I hate my reactions in general… I hate how sensitive I am. I hate being me. I hate feeling this way… so strongly, ever-changing. I hate feeling misunderstood… no one understands me…. not even myself…
I feel like I want to hurt… to hurt and feel pain…. to cause destruction… I feel so broken. I want to break things.

It doesn’t feel like I’m allowed to feel… allowed to be an emotional wreck… which I am. I am not supposed to want to hurt…. not supposed to want to break… yet here I am, hurting and broken.
How can I feel so alone? When so close to those who love me… yet I feel unloved. Misunderstood. Like an outcast… a freak….
Is something wrong with me? Do I have some mental disorder that makes me act this way? Do I lack the willpower of normal people to control my emotions?

What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be different? Normal?

Sometimes I just want me to disappear… I want to be someone else… someone better. Why do I have these feelings that cause so many problems? Make me so mean… so overly sensitive… so alone….
Why can’t I control my emotions? Why can’t I just forget… move on… get over things….
Why do I get stuck on phrases? Why do I get stuck on ideas? Why do changes make me melt down? Why can’t I ever pull myself back together…. Why am I this way?

At least writing down these horrible thoughts helps me breathe… helps me be slightly more in peace… seeing the words of hatred and loathing… makes it seem more valid…. less lonely… even if no one ever reads them or understands…. my pain…. my…. wrongness….

Why can’t I stop my brain? Why can’t I curb these thoughts? Why can’t I just stop… just encourage myself…. always others to lift up…. but who is there to lift me? Why am I so alone? Why am I this way? Broken. Overly sensitive. Overreacting. Mean. Wrong. Lost. Weak. Me…

Ugly and painful words like this are so hard to share. I don’t feel like this all the time, not even most of the time. But the pain is still there and rears its ugly head when I am at my lowest. It is so easy to ignore because it isn’t always consciously with me… but it still has an impact and still needs to be dealt with, or else it will get worse. 

We know that darkness is part of reality, but so is light. 

The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it. 

John 1:5

The light of Christ ALWAYS wins. It ALWAYS dispells darkness. It ALWAYS works for good. 

Even in the sadness, the pain, the insecurity, the fear, the anxiety, the hurt. God IS love. He loves you and He wants to work everything (even the darkness) for good. I cling to this in the hard times, in the guilt, in the tears. 

God is not afraid of the darkness. He overcomes.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can stand against? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all, how will he not also give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.

Romans 8:31-34

We need not be afraid of the darkness. We need not avoid it. We can confront the darkness and by the power of Christ, we too can overcome. We can share our faults, our fears, our hurts in honesty. We can know that they do not define us or our lives. As a Christ-follower, I have no right to condemn myself. I am saved, set free, reborn through Christ. 

The darkness is real, but the light always wins. 

Katy Dahl: The Light of Christ

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